Ironic. First entry since I wrote about it being hard to get up and do “that” again. I am humbled by this. The “again” is definitely part of the challenge. “Do” obviously is, too.
What am I writing for? Is this journal in this moment meant to go into the public sphere? Or am I just supposed to dump my present state onto the page and then see what/if anything emerges? I can’t assume I will wake up every morning and write something that is worth sharing into the public. Sometimes it will just be a detox. (Obviously, I have chosen to share it publicly anyway)
So what is my detox? Well...I’m actually feeling pretty good right now. And that is a new feeling. I think I would previously have been sitting here berating myself for “how pathetic” I am for missing 3 weeks, in JANUARY no less. What a loser.
But no, that’s not where I am right now. Instead I am simply grateful that I have sat down again, that I am “doing something again.”
Increasingly, anything I come across on my phone feels unsatisfying. I feel like I have seen the man behind the curtain and I am not impressed. Still, as I waited for my coffee to brew (a single serving- maybe a 30 second wait) I felt myself longing to pull out my phone and start scrolling. It’s become so habitual that there isn’t even thought to it. I can’t remember the last time I was bored. Until this morning. When I had to just sit there for 30 seconds. Now that IS pathetic. But that’s not me.
No, I have a lot of internal energy that is waiting for me to let it out. Last night I put my phone down. It was 8pm and I had been mindlessly scrolling since I had finished dinner cleanup. I grabbed my terrible little acoustic guitar that I bought for $50 from Target and I started playing. I learned a few new jazz licks and starting playing them over a minor ii-V-I (2-5-1). I didn’t put the guitar down for an hour.
My shitty, wonderful little guitar
In many ways, that hour on the guitar was the same as an hour on my phone. I wasn’t working on anything, per se, I just found a couple licks that I liked and I practiced them. I’m not even any good at them yet. I was lost in the process for an hour, just like when I’m scrolling.
The difference is this: today I can play a jazz lick that I didn’t know yesterday. It’s a tiny improvement. But they add up.
And today I have a chance to add a little more.
Gratitude
I’m really grateful for that little guitar. I bought it about ten years ago when I visited my folks in New Jersey. I was really missing music at the time and thought it would be nice to have a guitar to play when I visited. But at the time I ended up deciding the guitar was too terrible to play. Recently, I put new strings on it. The G string goes out of tune all the time. Its tone is pretty weak. I love playing it.
Affirmation & Intention
Play the instruments you’ve got! Play them proudly. Make beautiful music.
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